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| I think about things that hurt, things i cannot get over.
I Pray and pray and pray for God to heal me...
Then my next thought ends up being,
" if my hope comes from God, who has control over every situation, then why cant I just let this go."
I thought about that all week. It was a very hard week.
I woke up from dreams of conversations that had actually happened.
when I sit for too long without doing something, my mind automatically starts thinking of memories that I want to forget.
I continually struggle with thoughts of not being good enough...
not being strong enough. not being the best.
This was my week, and as much as I was grateful for the blessings God had placed in my life,
i prayed for it to end.
I was sitting in corinth... the actual ancient city's ruins.
and i read what Paul wrote to them in his second letter to corinth.
He talks about a thorn.
something he pleaded with God, that it would leave.
Then God spoke to Paul, and Paul wrote...
2 cor 12:9+10
But he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
For when i am weak, then i am strong.
Someone once told me that I shouldnt think i am not good enough.
I disagree. Just the simple fact that I know that i am not good enough,
that i am weak...
that i am not the best...
That makes the power of God that much greater in my life.
After i read that, I thanked God for the pain.
because it brought me closer to Him.
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| I hate that feeling of being torn up inside.
like you dont even know whats wrong.
If you think about it it doesn't make any logical sense.
There is nothing to be upset about..
I know i shouldnt be this upset about anything...
because if God takes care of the birds... he will take care of me.
But the feeling just sits there in my stomach....
during the day the suns just not as bright.
at meals the food is tasteless.
at night i cant sleep.
when i do sleep i wake up hours too early and cant go back to sleep.
there is something wrong.
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| Cablaza.com <---- my ournal is on there | | |
| Sometimes I dont know how the heck my life ends up where it does. I know that it is all Gods providence though.
I wonder where i would be if all my friends hadn't of gotten kicked out of school when i was in 10th grade.. I know I would be a different person. I probably wouldn't have left to go to public school and gotten a desire for searching for Gods will in my life...
I used wonder what the reason for things happening is. Things like me leaving boston... and what the purpose for God growing me away from this place for 2 years was... then Coming back and being so far behind its almost embarrassing...
Now I know that if i had never left i would not be as close with Him as i am now. And i know that if i had never left I wouldn't have learned how to do graphic design or videos as well as i do now. Therefore i would not be able to do ministry at this church that i have grown to love.
Which reminds me, i would not be at this church i have grown to love. haha. Meetinghouse church has become my home, the place God has put me to do ministry the best I can possibly do. And not just to do it for the sake of doing it... Everything we do is because it is necessary and important. From set up to tear down to putting golf pencils on the tables or people to write with. Its amazing.
....I would not have met certain people that are important parts of my life right now if i had not left for 2 years...
I dont know why some people jsut dont see the importance of this whole timing/prvidence thing. Maybe its just because they cant see through the smoke just yet. maybe that hard time is just too hard to look past right now. I know i have been there. I know ive been alone. I know I have not been able to look past the struggles of that day, that week, or that month.
But I am different now... hah.
you could cut my legs off and id believe that God has a purpose for it.
it would hurt a lot but after i was done complaining about the pain id get to the realization part... haha
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| nothing about my life will matter after i'm dead.
just think about that...
Your name might stay on through a few generations inside your own family. And its good to take care and to keep values through generations. But how many of us know what our great grandfathers names are and what they stood for? The most we can hope is that our children will take what we know to be true and right, and teach it to their children as well. But even If you by chance get to invent something that revolutionizes the way people live. Your name is put in a book somewhere kept for elementary kids to do reports on... but how many of us feel an emotion or stop to appreciate the man who invented refrigerators. I mean, i use mine everyday...
I only say that to say this.
when you say to yourself and to anyone who knows you. that you want to live your life for God, do you really mean it? I recently learned that every single thing God Does is to bring himself Glory.( this might be some simple doctrine i knew in my head but never put words to it.. till i took snavleys class) Therefore if i chose to live for God, my whole life exists for that reason, To bring God Glory.
I dont know if its just me, but seeing my life as such a stupid meaningless fraction of time compared to everything in history really puts me in my place.
today i got upset.
things did not work out the way i expected them to.
I was really really upset.
but u know what comforted me?
not the fact that God will work things out.
not the fact that worse has happened and ive gotten through it.
and not the fact that i will grow through pain.
( all of these being completely true)
what comforted me today is knowing that my life is not my own.
And if my life isn't bringing Glory to God
then my life becomes completely insignificant...
even if i invent the refrigerator.
so whats the point in getting upset because what I want did not happen.
i care about what i want waayyy too much.
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